012 : Comparison in Motherhood
In this episode of The Refined Sisterhood co-hosts Maddie and Kaitlin invite listeners in on a conversation about something that most women struggle with more than we would like to admit: COMPARISON. Comparing ourselves to one another feels like a part of our genetic make up as a women at this point, but even more so when you add being a mom on top of that. Comparison in motherhood is not only common, but it also can feel like second-nature in the present day because of the internet. Social Media makes comparing ourselves to one another SOOO easy and mindless, and that is what Maddie and Kait discuss today by not only sharing their own experiences with comparison both in the past and present, but by offering advice to women on how to combat the urge to constantly compare ourselves to the world around us.
THE CONVERSATION opens with maddie and kaitlin EXPRESSING THEIR DESIRE TO INVITE LISTENERS INTO THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES WITH THE TOPIC and the role that social media very easily plays in this. KAITlin shares THAT BOTH SHE AND MADDIE ARE VEeERY GUILTY OF COMPARING THEMSELVES TO OTHER WOMEN AND MOTHERS—DESPITE KNOWING THAT SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOTHING MORE THAN A HIGHLIGHT REEL.
KAITLIN REMINDS LISTENERS THAT JUST AS WE ONLY POST WHAT WE WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO SEE, THE PEOPLE AND INFLUENCERS WE FOLLOW have the same power. SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE REALLY RAW AND OPEN ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BUT THEY are still at their own discretion to SHARE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT TO AND NOT SHARE WHAT THEY DON’T.
MADDIE explains THAT, PERSONALLY, WHEN SHE IS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY HER FIRST THOUGHT IS NEVER TO PUT IT ON SOCIAL MEDIA OR TALK ABOUT THINGS SHE DOES NOT WANT TO. PEOPLE WHO DO SHARE THEIR JOURNIES THROUGH THE HARD DAYS MORE THAN LIKELY TAKE TIME TO PROCESS THINGS AND WORK THROUGH THEM BEFORE TAKING TO SOCIAL MEDIA, THOUGH WE TRULY HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON IN A PERSON’S LIFE UNTIL WE HAVE WALKED A DAY IN THEIR SHOES.
to shift the conversation more so into the topic at hand, maddie tells listeners about a visual a friend of hers shared with her regarding what one’s “dream home” may have looked like before pinterest and other social media platforms existed, and boyyy is it powerful. Check it out below.
SEE THE VISUAL MADDIE MENTIONS: HERE
TAKE SOME TIME TO REFLECT ON THIS: WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, WHAT WAS YOUR “dream” EXPERIENCE AS A MOTHER LIKE? IT PROBABLY DIDN’T MATTER TO THAT YOU HAD A FANCY HOUSE, BABY GEAR, OR CAR. before Social media began shaping our expectations of what motherhood would look like there was really no room for the “finer things in life”, we just wanted to be moms with a baby to love.
maddie talks about how comparison in motherhood is more than just what kind of mom you are—it turns into a conversation about what your body looks like, what your house/nursery should look like, and so much more. maddie admits that before her son was born she found herself saying “if my baby does look like…” or “his nursery has to look like…” instead of focusing on the joy that is associated with just being a mom in general.
kaitlin chimes in and says that she remembers one time, before keegan was born, that maddie bought two different rugs in one day to try out in keegan’s room to see which fit the aesthetic better, and she kept the one that did just that because social media tells us that we have to have picture-perfect everything. maddie then piggy-backs off of this and shares a time when she saw an influencer post a baby announcement that was soooo cute and aesthetically pleasing and she, again, thought: my announcement beettter look like that one.
maddie: “What changed that just taking a picture is not good enough for me? and the reason that i go back to it is not out of jealousy, but that I HAVE PROGRAMED MY MIND TO SEE THESE PERFECT LIVES ON SOCIAL MEDIA TO WHERE I FEEL LIKE I NEED THAT.”
MADDIE SHARES THAT THERE HAVE BEEN COUNTLESS TIMES IN HER LIFE WHERE SHE CAN LOOK BACK NOW AND SEE THAT IN THE MOMENT SHE THOUGHT THAT WHAT SHE HAD WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY SHOULD HAVE BEEN. MADDIE ALSO STATES THAT IT IS EASY TO GET ONLINE AND START LOOKING AT THINGS THAT ULTIMATELY JUST DRIVE YOU NUTS. SHE ADMITS THAT JUST LAST NIGHT SHE GOT ON HER SEARCH HISTORY AND CLEARED OUT THE “TOXIC TABS” AND GIVES EXAMPLES OF WHAT Could have BEen FOUND IN HER GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY before she did:
WHEN SHOULD A BABY START CRAWLING?
BABY ISN’T CRAWLING BY SEVEN MONTHS, IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM?
DOES BABY HAVE PROBLEMS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT CRAWLING BY ___.
WHEN SHOULD BABY CRAWL ON HANDS AND KNEES?
WILL THERE BE PROBLEMS LATER IN LIFE IF THEY DO NOT CRAWL ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES?
KAITLIN THEN CHIMES IN TO TOUCH ON THE MISCONCEPTION THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO DO THINGS AS A MOM. KATLIN PROVIDES THE EXAMPLE OF A FRIEND WHO WAS IN THE STORE, BUYING FORMULA FOR HER BABY, WHEN SOMEONE LOOKED AT HER AND SAID “BREAST IS BEST.”
LIKE WHAT???
MOMS DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY EVERY SINGLE DAY AND THAT IS OKAY.
KAITLIN states THAT SHE FELT SO GUILTY WHEN BREASTFEEDING DIDN’T WORK FOR HER AND nor did exclusively pumping because her body JUST COULDN’T HANDLE THE PHYSICAL ANGUISH THAT CAME WITH.
MADDIE SHARES THAT KEEGAN BEGAN WEENING HIMSELF OFF OF BREASTFEEDING AND FROM HER PERSPECTIVE SHE FEELS LIKE SHE WAS ALL SHE NEEDED IN HIS LIFE UP UNTIL EIGHT MONTHS BUT NOW HE IS SHIFTING AWAY. MADDIE SAYS THAT SHE TOLD HERSELF SHE WOULD BREASFEED FOR A YEAR BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT A LOT OF OTHER MOTHERS TRY TO DO AND SHE FEELS LIKE SHE HAS TO KEEP TO THAT STANDARD—THOUGH IT SHOUDLN’T BE A STANDARD IN THE FIRST PLACE.
MADDIE SHARES THAT OVER THE LAST FEW WEEKS SHE HAS SPENT COUNTLESS TIMES CRYING OVER KEEGAN WEENING HIMSELF OFF OF BREASTFEEDING BEFORE HE IS A YEAR BECAUSE SHE HAD PROGRAMED HER BRAIN TO THINK THAT IS THE POINT SHE HAS TO MAKE IT TO OR ELSE SHE IS FAILING—THOUGH SHE KNOWS THAT IS NOT TRUE, THAT IS HOW HER VIEWS BREASTFEEDING AND “HOW IT SHOULD GO.”
Maddie: “SIN LIVES IN THE WORLD AND IT IS SO EASY FOR US TO COMPARE BECAUSE THE CULTURE WE LIVE IN IS A comparison culture and living in that just makes us wonder why we do it in the first place”
kaitlin shares that over the last few months she has had to come to terms with the fact that motherhood/childhood looks different for everyone and that is okay.
maddie and kait share some ways to remind yourself not to compare yourself to others.
have affirmations to repeat to yourself when those feelings arise.
I am a good mom.
I know what is best for my baby.
I am not a bad mom if i formula feed.
KNOW WHO YOU ARE IN THE LORD.
WHEN YOU ARE FEELING INSUFFICIENT IN YOUR ABILITY TO BE A MOM YOU CAN REMIND YOURSELF THAT THE LORD DOES NOT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
REMEMBER THAT ALL BABIES, MAMAS, CHILDREN, TEENAGERS, ETC. ARE UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT.
YOUR CHILD MAY NOT HAVE THE SAME TALENTS AND GIFTS THAT OTHERS DO BUT NO PERSON IS THE SAME.
YOUR CHILD IS NEVER FAILING, THEY ARE JUST PRODUCING THEIR OWN RESULT.
the episode ends with maddie and kaitlin reminding listeners that they love each of them and recognize all of the hard work they do each day.
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Thank you SO much for being here. We hope you leave today feeling more encouraged than you were when you started listening and like you are a welcome part of this community— because you ARE.If you want to connect with us and other listeners in the Refined Sisterhood community, join our Facebook group here.
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Music : Better Than Life by Oliver Dodge